In Sickness And In Health - September 2010
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In Sickness and in health : Tips for coping with a diagnosis
More often than not, the reality of ‘sickness’ materializes out of nowhere.
If you’re like most couples, you breeze through the “sickness and in health” clause of your marriage vows without much thought. You were probably too busy gazing into your spouse’s eyes, beaming from the thought of marrying your soul mate and eagerly anticipating your wedding night.
Had you given it some thought, you might have pictured “in sickness and in health” as serving your wife chicken noodle soup when she has the flu or running to the store at 10 p.m. for another box of Kleenex and Panadol for your husband’s “monster” cold. Aside from the token mention of, “Yes, honey, I’d still love you and take care of you if you were in a car accident,” calamity was probably the furthest thing from your mind.
More often than not, the reality of “sickness” materializes out of nowhere. When your spouse is diagnosed with a chronic illness, you begin to realize that your life, your spouse’s life and your marriage will never again be the same. It’s easy to let thoughts such as “Will this affect his lifespan?” and “Will we still be able to have kids?” torment you.
Below are 8 tips for dealing with a diagnosis as a couple.
1. Accept offers of help- If you’re involved with your BEC, church or a close-knit group of friends, you’re likely to receive more assistance than you know what to do with. Casserole dinners and offers of free babysitting won’t relive the pain of your suffering or your condition or mend your broken spirit, but they will allow you to focus on healing and coping as a couple.
2. Find a support group – contact your doctor’s office or church for support-group referrals. If possible, find a group where spouses and family members are welcome. If a support group doesn’t exist in your area, consider starting one. Or, find a online forum where you can receive and give encouragement.
3. Find a good counselor- If the prospect of seeing a psychiatrist daunts you, don’t. Instead, find a certified, Biblically based counselor both you and your spouse can speak with. Your pastor may be a certified counselor, if not, he should be able to point you to one..
4. Continue to make intimacy a priority. Physical intimacy is one of the greatest tangible bond between a married couple. Besides fulfilling physical cravings, sex builds relational and spiritual intimacy between a husband and wife, allowing them to release emotions. If sex is still possible, continue to make love regularly. If it isn’t, seek to fulfill each other’s needs in other creative ways.
5. Reach outside yourself – It’s possible for you and your spouse to spiritually and emotionally “drown” in hopelessness if you constantly focus on your situation. Reach out to others in need – individuals with a similar medical condition, shut-ins who could use a warm meal or widows who appreciate a listening ear. Helping others brings true joy- a rare commodity in times like this.
6. Realize it’s OK to question God – God understands if you’re angry at the doctors, angry at Him and angry at the world in general. Don’t let Satan trick you into thinking that anger is a sin. It’s not, though sinful behavior includes acting in anger towards others or turning your back on God. Present Him with your questions and uncertainties. Wrestle through this time with Him, and expect additionally clarity as the end result.
7. Reflect – Life is a journey, and followers of Christ are promised it won’t be an easy one. You may not have answers to why you were diagnosed with your condition- not now, not in this life. Take comfort in knowing you will have these answers someday. In the mean time, God will reveal to you His purpose for your life – and your life with this condition. Journal your thoughts. Feelings and reflections. Share them with your spouse. Open yourselves individually and corporately to what god has in store for your life together.
8. Refuse to be owned by your condition – or hopelessness. Life, no matter how painful or confusing, is precious and worth living. Do your best to make lemonade out of lemons, and rest at His feet when you’re wrung-out.
When Reality Sets In
Few things in life test wedding vows like chronic illness.
All marriages face obstacles. Most, however, aren’t as pervasive as chronic illness, which can rear its ugly head on a daily basis: your wife, who suffers form chronic fatigue syndrome, may wake up on a Saturday too fatigued to attend the all-day BBQ festival you both had been looking forward to. Your husband’s Crohn’s disease severely limits where and what the two of you can eat. Your wife’s asthma flairs up during sex, causing the two of you to stop prematurely. Your husband, who suffers from diabetes, slips into a hypoglycemic seizure that sends you both to the hospital on a Sunday evening.
Spouses of individuals who suffer from physically debilitating conditions often find themselves filling both the role of spouse and caretaker/nurse. Spouses of individuals who suffer from mental conditions may find themselves feeling more like a babysitter than an equal partner in the marriage.
Few things in life test wedding vows like chronic illness. If your spouse was diagnosed before you tied the knot, you may have underestimated the toll the condition would take on the marriage. Or, you were so in love you didn’t care. As time progresses, it’s natural to wonder if you’ve gotten ‘in over your head”. If your spouse was diagnosed after your wedding day, you may find yourself thinking “If only I had known how hard this would be. Would I have still signed up for this?”
Below are do’s and don’t’s for the patient and spouse on coping with marriage and chronic illness:
For the Patient
1) Don’t expect your spouse to carry the full burden of your condition, physically or emotionally. No one person can handle a chronic illness alone- not your husband, not yourself. Enlist the help of friends, neighbors, coworkers, church members and family. If need be, bring in outside medical or household help.
2) Do seek to serve your spouse. Your wife is a great support to you in your daily battles with chronic illness. Do what you can to serve her, if even in small ways. And don’t keep tally of who’s done what for whom. This can be detrimental to a marriage.
3) Don’t offer your spouse an “out”. It’s natural for your spouse to wonder, “Am I really cut out for a marriage in which a chronic illness is involved?” Though offering her an out may seem the compassionate thing to do ( and likely to garner some much needed assurance of her commitment) , it may backfire and fuel destructive thoughts Satan is tempting your spouse with. Thank her for her commitment to you through good times and bad, and express your mutual commitment.
4) Do speak well of your spouse- publically and privately. Let his friends and coworkers know what a great help he is to you and how irreplaceable he is.
For the Spouse
1) Don’t use your spouse’s condition against her. Though the nuances of your wife’s condition are frustrating, they are not intentional. Bring your mutual frustrations of the situation to God, and don’t direct them to each other.
2) Do allow time to recharge yourself. “Me time” is crucial to keeping yourself fresh and able to deal with the challenges of a marriage in which chronic illness is involved. It’s also crucial to your overall happiness and well-being.
3) Don’t define your spouse by his condition. Try not to refer to him by his condition. Instead, refer to him as your husband with (insert condition).
4) Do realize your doubts are normal. It’s ordinary to wonder if you’re “really cut out for marriage to a person with (insert condition.” It’s ordinary for someone in your position to be tempted to leave-temporarily or permanently. There is no sin in being tempted, but there is sin in breaking your vows. Let God know you need His strength to fulfill your vows to your spouse.
Weak Body, Strong Bond
Reflections on family life with Rev. Andrew Manickam O.F.M. Cap
‘God calls you to give yourself, to deny yourself, to be other-person oriented, and you can find life in it.’
Jim and Lynda Walters had been married for 13 enjoyable years when, in January 20 years ago, Lynda was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, an autoimmune disease in which the immune system attacks the central nervous system.
The two had known something was wrong for a couple of years. Lynda was suffering from double vision, and occasionally her feet wouldn’t lift properly when she wanted to walk or get out of the bathtub. Eventually, Jim checked Lynda into a hospital for testing. The family of four received the diagnosis a week later.
“It had been coming on so gradually,” says Jim, who does most of the speaking for the couple these days. “It wasn’t like you wake up one morning and suffer from a stroke, which is very traumatic and immediate. But it was sad. We knew it was going to make life a bit different.
“Lynda’s response was ‘I don’t have time for this!’ ‘We’re not going to let this defeat us, is the impression I got from her.”
Lynda’s condition is chronic, meaning “there’s a continual up and down, but over time there’s more down than up,” Jim says. “It’s a continual reminder that things are slowing down.”
Ten years after Lynda’s diagnosis, she stopped driving. Twenty years after her diagnosis, the couple acquired a retrofitted minivan in which Jim could more easily transport her- another emotional milestone.
“My sons ask me if I ever cry; I say, ‘Sure,” Jim says. “They ask me if I ever get angry, I say “Yeah. Not at mom, but sure.” But this is normal for us. We don’t lament and grieve over the things we don’t have.”
As Lynda’s condition slowly worsens, the couple fine-tunes their routine “weekly and monthly”. Due to Lynda’s condition, the two spend most of their time together.
“We’re not afraid to be alone,” Jim says. “We enjoy each other!”
The couple experiences each day to the fullest at each other’s sides. They go to the opera, movies and restaurants. They travel to see family and friends, watch tv serials and attend parties. Jim, a former professor of Biblical Studies at Arkansas’ John Brown University, still teaches an occasional class, speaks at churches and performs premarital counseling and weddings; Lynda is almost always present during these activities.
“Lynda was a straight-A student,” Jim says. “She typed my dissertation at 80-90 words a minute. She used to play the piano and organ, and MS gradually took those things away from her. That’s why I say she’s a hero.”
Jim on …
Adjusting to the reality of Lynda’s diagnosis:
“There’s a point where I did not respond well. I actually pulled away from Lynda emotionally for a period of time. The saddest point of my life was when I pulled away from her one night in bed. Somewhere in the midst of that terrible response I woke up and realized I was an incredibly selfish and fallen, and God began to change my heart.”
The symbolism of his relationship with Lynda:
“One of my students stayed with us off and on for a period of time. She wrote a thank-you note that said, ‘I want to thank you for allowing me to be there with you and Lynda. I realized the way Lynda is to you is the way I am to be with God: totally dependent.’ I hadn’t realized we were giving a visual representation of that relationship. God is the one who has to be undergirding, guiding and encouraging me, helping me keep perspective, at the heart of it, helping me to be a lover.”
“I think sometimes people think I dropped some kind of joy-pill down my throat and all of a sudden I’m jumping around and smiling, but nope. It’s amazing: those moments of joy are often times when I look across the bed at Lynda when she’s sleeping and I realize what a gift she has been to me, this person who believed in me and encouraged me.”
A major turning-point in their MS journey: “I remember when the nurse came to put the catheter in and I thought, “Wait a minute, I’m not ready for this. We’re not ready for this. We still have sexual intercourse. We still love each other that way.” She said, “Well, we don’t usually put this in people who are still having sexual intercourse, so think about it.” That was the point when we realized that this was matter of physical survival. It was going to be a major adjustment. The whole journey was a sort-of gentle transition and then we came to this V in the road. We could go left and give up, as many people do, or go right and either be bitter or live happily ever after. We decided to be happy and rejoice in what God still allowed us to have.”
His advice to couples dealing with a chronic illness:
“Deal with selfishness through love and falling in-love with God. Selfishness is just not at all love. Love is other-person concerned, reaching out to meet their needs. God calls you to give yourself, to deny yourself, to be other-person oriented, and you can find life in it.”